date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
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I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
😂😂
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won