DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
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Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.