I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
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me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
He’s dead
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”