date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
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My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
For the ones in the back.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is