DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
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BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Guy who likes music
me before I type out affect or effect
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’