DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner