Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
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Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
also my go-to takeaway order
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.