Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
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if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I just ran a .003048K
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.