DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
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Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.