[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
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[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.