Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
i want to work in this restaurant
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit