Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
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My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*