[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
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it was love at first sight
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Happy Star Wars day!
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.