So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.