We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
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(Jupiter –
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Pat is about to own someone
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no