Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
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Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.