Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
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cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great