Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
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uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.