date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
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Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Practicing safe sax
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM