“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
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The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?