Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
You Might Also Like
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.