Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
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Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.