date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time