date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Monday
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.