DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
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that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.