DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
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People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.