Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
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How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!