Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
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Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.