Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Anyone really
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there