Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.