DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a