DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?