DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
You Might Also Like
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.