Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
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[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.