That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
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You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Wait a minute
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids