HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
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Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
#MeanwhileInCanada
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I am a gravy boat captain
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.