My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
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Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: