who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
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quarantine day 3
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.