I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
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The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
me when the borders lift
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
marvel comics have peaked
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon