DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
You Might Also Like
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword