DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
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People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.