DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
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The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time