DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
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This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Social distancing in Australia:
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
She was REALLY feeling it.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.