Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.