Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
hey, alexa
Mountain Goat : )
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.