Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Maths meets science
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Does this dress make me look cat?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL