DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
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Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.