Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
You Might Also Like
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!