Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
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I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.