Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
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– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Digital security in Ancient Troy
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.